I have now been in bed or on the couch for 4 weeks and 5 days. Each and every day looks and feels the same. In fact most days I could not tell what what day of the week or month it is. I rely on everyone around me to do everything. My husband not only is the provider, but he takes care of our daughter when he is home, cleans the house, runs all the errands, cooks when he can. When he's at work me and my daughter are at my parent's house. They also take care of my daughter, cook me meals, run errands for me, etc. My family are all saints; they're my heroes. What am I doing when all this is going on? I am on the couch or in bed. I am watching hours of mindless television while also keeping an eye on the clock. I am making sure food goes into my system every 1-2 hours and that my food & drinks are spaced an adequate amount of time apart. I am counting my fluids, checking my ketones, checking my weight, taking medicine, changing my syringes and generally feeling like hell. This goes on until about 6:30 when I climb into bed and fall asleep about an hour later. To some I sound lazy ... to others I sound like I'm enjoying a nice little vacation from the regular housewife chores. But oh my goodness are all those people mistaken.
See, I miss my life. I miss grocery shopping, cleaning, doing laundry. I miss playing with my daughter during the day, taking her to the park and praying with her then tucking her into bed at night. I miss going to church, seeing my friends and having dinner and movie nights at my parents house. I miss all of this, but the reality is until Hyperemesis goes away I won't get to enjoy any of these things. Currently I am a prisoner to this disease. Most of the day I am so nauseated that I can barely stand up. Some nights I am sitting in the bathroom waiting to throw up. The days that start out good almost always end bad. I wake up thinking that I feel better. Yes, the nausea is still there, but it's manageable. So I decide to do something. I go outside while my daughter is playing with my family and I walk around with her for 30 minutes. By the end of that short play time I am so sick I have to spend the rest of the day recovering. My showers must be planned out and I can rarely wash my hair because I know when I do that will be my one big activity for the day.
On top of this miserable feeling I am on a cocktail of medication. Of course I have my handy zofran pump, which drips the anti-vomiting medicine into my system 24 hours a day. In addition to this I also take b6, unisom & promethazine daily. Every single one of these medications (except for the b6) causes extreme sleepiness. In fact, the average person gets knocked out for several hours from taking a single unisom or promethazine ... that is part of their purpose. I on the other hand am so use to the medication and my body is so out of wack that although I am exhausted I can rarely sleep. On top of all this craziness I am constantly on high alert waiting for my body to tell me it's had enough, at which point I go to the ER and get some hydration and IV medication to get my body back in balance, even if it only lasts a day or two. The break is welcomed and beloved.
And I have it easy. I am blessed that we caught this disease quickly this time. The state I am in is considered "controlled" and the Dr. considers me having a "good pregnancy." When it's not controlled Hyperemesis is 1,000 times scarier. When I was pregnant with my daughter I was throwing up every 15 minutes around the clock. I could not eat or drink on my own ... my body literally rejected both concepts. I was literally starving and had I not gotten hospital hydration I would have been severely dehydrated. Thankfully we got my disease under control before it was too late, but many women never get better. Many women live with PICC lines & feeding tubes. Many women can't leave the hospital. Many women's bodies literally start to shut down, their kidneys and other vital organs begin to fail as their bodies give up. Hyperemesis is hell on earth ... we as a group literally face death in the face. I am blessed that I am controlled. I am blessed that I am home and that I have help. I will never take any of that for-granted. But this is my life ... the reality I face. This is why I can't wait for this pregnancy to be over. So I can look my beautiful new baby in the face and know that I fought hard, that I won and that I never have to face this battle again.
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