About 2 weeks ago I began to get better. I began to get more energy, to feel an ease in my nausea and an overall happier mentality. About that time I decided to cut back on my medication. I still rely on my zofran pump to administer that anti-nausea medication 24/7 and I still take an anti-acid daily. But I have been able to to cut out unisom, promethazine and compazine from my daily routine. Yet even with all the improvement, recovery from HG is a SLOW process. I remember with my first pregnancy I began to feel this way at about 16 weeks, but was not able to get back into my daily life until around 22 weeks. It's such a shock for your body to go from spending weeks or even months in bed with little to no nutrition or hydration to suddenly going on short outings, eating more regularly and drinking bigger sips. That is something that I am having a hard time getting use to this time around. I don't want this process to be slow. My impatience has caused me to lose that happy mentality and to begin to slip back into a place of darkness, pain and anger. When this happened my recovery stopped. Although I am off a large majority of my medicine, I am still nauseated 24/7, still needing to eat every 2 hours and still only able to take small sips of water. I am ready to be better. I am ready to wake up knowing I will only experience an hour of nausea rather then an entire day. I am ready to continue the road to recovery.
Lately I've been recognizing that a large part of my recovery this time around is healing and renewing my relationship with Christ. See, up until this point I have put very little effort in my relationship with Him. I've still been praying everyday, but that is as far as my faith has gone. I have not gone to church because, well, I've been too sick and weak to go. I have not been reading His word or doing a devotional because reading can be a trigger for me and make me more sick. And although I can listen to sermons, I have chosen not to. I have been angry. I have been avoiding Christ because I have been angry with Him and have been holding a deeply painful grudge towards Him. But throughout the last few weeks I have felt a tugging. Felt a need to draw back into Him and rest in His presence. So I am starting slow. Today I began reading a devotional. The time reading was short, as I was afraid of the impending nausea, but even after just 20 short minutes digging deeper into who He is I felt a little more refreshed. God began reminding me in that short time what He promised me during my pregnancy with my daughter. That I am walking through this trial for the testimony it holds. I know that Christ has called me to use this trial, use this testimony, to help other women walking through a similar valley. I know that He is going to use my children to expand His kingdom. That they will one day know about how I was so sick with them, how I wanted to terminate them, how I fought for them and they fought for me. How in each and every moment of pain and suffering God was fighting with me and how through it all He continued to form their perfect little bodies and plan and incredible life for them. And I have no doubt that my children will proclaim this testimony ... how they will tell the nations how Satan fought hard to get rid of them, but God's will prevailed and because of that people will turn towards Him in their darkest moments and see that God has a perfect plan. He has promised me these things, so even though I am angry and frustrated I will turn towards Him. I will choose to fight WITH Him, not against Him.
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