Hyperemesis Hospital?

I know this is completely random, but whenever I see commercials for hospitals I get a little envious.  During my last pregnancy I LOVED the hospital.  It was a refuge for me.  A place to relax and be taken care of.  A place where I was no longer in pain.  IV's pumping me with fluids and nausea medicine became my best friend.  I'm telling you ... I fell in love with hospitals.

This pregnancy is slightly different.  Because my dr. has been on top of things I have not needed to visit the hospital.  Does this mean I'm not nauseated and everyday isn't a struggle?  Heck no!  The nausea is still persistent ... my vomiting and dehydration is just controlled.  I literally dream of the hospital.  I dream of being taken care of and having fluids and medication that allow me to eat the disgusting yet delicious hospital food.  But what's the cost of having my Hyperemesis controlled this time around?  A LOT.  Not only am I on a handful of medications that I have to pay for, but the all-powerful zofran pump attached to my stomach is costing our family close to $9,000 out of pocket.  And that's WITH amazing insurance!  Where is that $9,000+ going to come from?  Good question!  We're relying that God will provide.  But for many families without "good" insurance, or even insurance at all, these medication choices are much more limited.

This got me thinking ... how amazing would it be to have a Hyperemesis hospital (or rehab-type center)?  There's research hospitals out there for so many illnesses like cancer, heart problems, etc.  So why not Hyperemesis?  It would be amazing ... heck, a miracle ... to have a place for women like myself to go when battling through the days, weeks and months with this horrible illness.  To have round-the-clock care, snacks and meals prepared and delivered to our room, medication available to control the nausea and vomiting.  It wouldn't matter where you were from or what kind of insurance you had, this would be a place of research and a place of refuge!  Not only this, but it would be a place for fellowship.  I know fellowship sounds like such a strange word to use for women going through the trials of Hyperemesis, but trust me, when you are going through this particular valley you feel especially alone.  Hyperemesis isolates you.  It's debilitating, painful & emotional.  And to top it off, only a small percentage of the women in the world suffer through the months of hell.  This makes you feel even more isolated.  To be surrounded by women who have the same pain, fear, hopes, as myself would be incredible.  To have someone to TALK to who UNDERSTANDS would be incredible.  Rather I read 2 & 3  year old forums of faceless women expressing the same emotions I feel daily.  I honestly believe a place like this would result in healthier, happier mommies, not only physically, but mentally.  I believe it would result in women who are in pain, but not necessarily suffering.  I believe it would help empower women to survive the long days, weeks and months rather then giving up and aborting, just to later regret their decision and wish they were stronger.  Every Hyperemesis mommy has those thoughts.  They haunt you day and night and the temptation is strong.  To have a community to take care of you and support you would hopefully ease those thoughts.

Maybe one day this place will exist.  Trust me when I say it would be welcomed with open arms.  Our little haven.  Until then, I will wish and hope and fight another day.

Good Days Followed By Depression

I had two really good days.  Two days ago I started taking B6 & Unisom ... something that didn't even touch my nausea with my first pregnancy.  After a glorious hour and a half nap (which has been rare lately), I woke up feeling decent.  The nausea was still there, but it was manageable.  My husband asked if I wanted to go to the park with my daughter and himself and I reluctantly agreed.  I couldn't do much ... I sat on the bench and watched them slide and run, but at least I got to be there.  Then yesterday after a rough morning I had a good night.  Again I was able to get out of the house and actually went out to eat with my family ... something unheard of for someone with Hyperemesis!  It was so nice to feel somewhat "normal".

Then today happened.  The nausea has been constant, even throwing up several times which has been luckily rare this pregnancy.  I've also been beyond exhausted.  I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open ... but I'm also restless so if I managed to fall asleep it was for no longer then 20 minutes.  I also spiked in my depression today.  I've been trying so hard to stay positive, to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but some days it's just so hard.  Some days I'm just so mad.   So mad that I can't run and play, or even hold my baby girl like a normal mommy can.  So mad that all I really want to do is sleep.  I'd be perfectly content with being put to sleep for a few straight months.  So mad that I can't cook, or even eat like a normal person.  So mad that I have to watch the clock to make sure 20 minutes passes between eating and drinking.  So mad that when I finally can drink it's nothing more then a sip at a time.  So mad that God would let me get sick ... that's a tough one.  I know God is there.  I know He has a plan and that He will be glorified when a beautiful little baby is born through all this.  But in these moments I'm just mad.  So mad I don't even know how to communicate with Him.  Thank goodness others are willing to rally around me and pray on my behalf.  To be hope on my behalf.

Anyway ... that's all I can muster for today.  As for now the constant exhaustion is taking over and I'm going to enjoy some much needed sleep.

Hyperemesis ... Round 2

Well, here we go ... Hyperemesis ... Round 2.

Yes, this means I am pregnant once again.  After lots of prayers and hope I was under the belief that I would have a healthy, easy pregnancy the second time around.  Under this belief my husband and I started talking about having our second baby, as we knew we wanted our kids to be close in age.  Just a few days before Thanksgiving I had a feeling that something was going on.  So to the drug store I went and bought 3 different types of pregnancy tests.  Three positives later it was official ... I am pregnant.  The day I found out and several days after I was terrified.  There was no excitement, just fear.  After about a week without getting sick I thought to myself "Thank Goodness!  I am going to have my good pregnancy!"  I even went to interview a new midwife and talked to her about having a VBAC.  The day after I went to my midwife appointment I started to feel a similar lingering nausea.  Oh no ... this can't be!

Sure enough after a few days of nausea and barely being able to get off the couch I started conceding to the fact that I may be enduring another pregnancy with Hyperemesis.  I quickly called my previous Dr, as he knows my medical history and would be able to tackle the nausea much quicker then a new midwife.  That appointment was a whirlwind.  I had a sonogram and my due date was changed (which means I found out I was pregnant at only about 3 weeks along.)  Then my Dr. quickly prescribed me some nausea medicine and instantly called Alere Home Health to get me started on a Zofran pump.  Two days ago I had the Alere nurse back in my home reminding me how to stick the needle in my stomach so I could get the medicine in my system 24/7.  This time they started my dose at .5 ml/h ... stronger then last time, but still not strong enough.  Immediately after the nurse left my house I broke down and started crying (something that has become quite normal in my world).

I can't believe I'm here again.  I can't believe I'm relying on medicine to keep me and this baby alive.  I can't believe I'm sticking myself in the stomach with needles daily and waking up in the middle of the night to change my medicine syringes.  I can't believe I have constant nausea to the point where I can barely get off the couch.  And this time its worse.  No, I'm not throwing up 20 times a day this time.  Thankfully we caught this nightmare and stated treating it early.  But the debilitating nausea is still here ... and this time there's a precious 16 month old in the equation. A little girl so full of life and joy that doesn't understand why it's so hard for mommy to get up and give her breakfast or why mommy can't play with her when just over a week ago I was chasing her and cuddling her.  She can be right next to me and I miss her so much because I can't hold her like I was able to just over a week ago.

I don't want to do this again.  I don't want to go through this nightmare again.  Please be praying with me, whoever you are.  Please pray for healing ... it's my only hope at this moment.