Whew! The last few weeks have been a whirlwind! A couple of weeks ago Noah got sick with a virus sore throat. At first we assumed it was the flu, so the day he started feeling down I packed up my daughter and I and we moved into my parents house. Later we found out that he did not have the flu (the Jesus!), but rather a viral sore throat. That meant he was still contagious, but at least he wouldn't be out for 2 weeks! See, with HG my immune system has become extremely weak. Between the constant throwing up, inability to eat and drink correctly, and overall my body working extra hard just to maintain itself my immunities didn't have a chance. But, the week at my parents house was wonderful! I believe the extra sleep and help really helped me to get over a hump and I began to get more control over my nausea. In fact, several times throughout the week I was able to go out on little outings including going out to eat and even going to a few stores! It was wonderful and really helped get my spirits up.
After a week Noah was 100% better and had sanitized the house so we moved back home. That first night home was horrible :( My neighbor decided to work on some sort of metal pounding in his shed RIGHT behind our house until the middle of the night, meaning I got very little sleep that night. Sleep is a HUGE trigger for me, so when I don't get enough my body totally gets out of whack and it's like I'm back at square one. So, the next day I was miserable and the vomiting started all over again. Noah had to work that day so my daughter and I ended up at my parents so my mom could help take care of my daughter since I was basically just hanging over the toilet. I ended up falling asleep at my parents pretty early ... I want to say around 6 ... and slept about 13 hours straight. Not only had I been physically exhausted, but the mental stress of sliding downhill so fast was more then I could handle. The next day I woke up feeling somewhat better, but still pretty sick. I had some pretty miserable nausea as well as a horrible migraine. I realized that the day before I had only kept down maybe 10 oz. of water, so I was extremely dehydrated by that point. I spent literally the entire day lying on the couch sipping on water. I think I drank about 48 oz. that day, which is the most I've drank in a single day this entire pregnancy. With each sip I felt my headache going away and my nausea getting better. My mom and husband agreed that I would stay at my parents house a couple more days and nights just to make sure I got back on track.
I did get back on track and got back to feeling pretty good so last week we moved back home once again. That first night I was terrified that I would not sleep again and prayed quite a bit that God would grant me sleep and a quiet peace throughout my neighborhood. He listened to my prayers and I slept great! Since then I have continued to get stronger and have even had days where my nausea is so minimal that I am able to push it into the back of my mind. I have to take things really slow ... I still spend a lot of time relaxing and sleeping to make sure I don't push myself back into a bad place, but that time spend with my family and especially my daughter has been uplifting and refreshing.
Then last night I took another small step back. I began to feel congested and spend most of yesterday in bed just feeling off. Then last night I once again barely slept, this time due to horrible sinus congestion and pressure. I was terrified all night! I have been so careful about not being around germs and I just knew I was getting some sort of virus. I woke up feeling miserable ... my sinuses were still killing me and my nausea had returned full force due to the lack of sleep and the mucus that was flowing into my stomach. I spent all morning in bed, applying essential oils to my feet, chest, back and sinuses and diffusing them next to my bed. As the oils began to help I began having hope that maybe I wasn't sick after all. Turns out a cold front pushed in yesterday and overnight that pushed some sort of allergen in with it. Tons of people in the area were suffering from ridiculous allergies, including my mom and sister. Literally, this is the worst my allergies have been in my entire life. I am grateful and relieved that I am not fighting some virus, but oh my goodness this sinus congestion and pain is causing my HG to flare up a little which is so frustrating! So I am about to go to sleep early once again and praying that God provides my family and I with some relief tomorrow!
As for tomorrow ... I have some exciting news! The whole family will be making a trip to an ultrasound place about 45 minutes away to find out the gender of mine and my sister's new little ones!!! We are extremely excited and are hoping knowing the gender and seeing the babies will make this time start feeling more like a pregnancy rather then some really long illness :) We just have to hope those babies aren't shy!
Well, that's all for now! I am off to bed!
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Monday, January 20, 2014
The Testimony Through The Trial
About 2 weeks ago I began to get better. I began to get more energy, to feel an ease in my nausea and an overall happier mentality. About that time I decided to cut back on my medication. I still rely on my zofran pump to administer that anti-nausea medication 24/7 and I still take an anti-acid daily. But I have been able to to cut out unisom, promethazine and compazine from my daily routine. Yet even with all the improvement, recovery from HG is a SLOW process. I remember with my first pregnancy I began to feel this way at about 16 weeks, but was not able to get back into my daily life until around 22 weeks. It's such a shock for your body to go from spending weeks or even months in bed with little to no nutrition or hydration to suddenly going on short outings, eating more regularly and drinking bigger sips. That is something that I am having a hard time getting use to this time around. I don't want this process to be slow. My impatience has caused me to lose that happy mentality and to begin to slip back into a place of darkness, pain and anger. When this happened my recovery stopped. Although I am off a large majority of my medicine, I am still nauseated 24/7, still needing to eat every 2 hours and still only able to take small sips of water. I am ready to be better. I am ready to wake up knowing I will only experience an hour of nausea rather then an entire day. I am ready to continue the road to recovery.
Lately I've been recognizing that a large part of my recovery this time around is healing and renewing my relationship with Christ. See, up until this point I have put very little effort in my relationship with Him. I've still been praying everyday, but that is as far as my faith has gone. I have not gone to church because, well, I've been too sick and weak to go. I have not been reading His word or doing a devotional because reading can be a trigger for me and make me more sick. And although I can listen to sermons, I have chosen not to. I have been angry. I have been avoiding Christ because I have been angry with Him and have been holding a deeply painful grudge towards Him. But throughout the last few weeks I have felt a tugging. Felt a need to draw back into Him and rest in His presence. So I am starting slow. Today I began reading a devotional. The time reading was short, as I was afraid of the impending nausea, but even after just 20 short minutes digging deeper into who He is I felt a little more refreshed. God began reminding me in that short time what He promised me during my pregnancy with my daughter. That I am walking through this trial for the testimony it holds. I know that Christ has called me to use this trial, use this testimony, to help other women walking through a similar valley. I know that He is going to use my children to expand His kingdom. That they will one day know about how I was so sick with them, how I wanted to terminate them, how I fought for them and they fought for me. How in each and every moment of pain and suffering God was fighting with me and how through it all He continued to form their perfect little bodies and plan and incredible life for them. And I have no doubt that my children will proclaim this testimony ... how they will tell the nations how Satan fought hard to get rid of them, but God's will prevailed and because of that people will turn towards Him in their darkest moments and see that God has a perfect plan. He has promised me these things, so even though I am angry and frustrated I will turn towards Him. I will choose to fight WITH Him, not against Him.
Lately I've been recognizing that a large part of my recovery this time around is healing and renewing my relationship with Christ. See, up until this point I have put very little effort in my relationship with Him. I've still been praying everyday, but that is as far as my faith has gone. I have not gone to church because, well, I've been too sick and weak to go. I have not been reading His word or doing a devotional because reading can be a trigger for me and make me more sick. And although I can listen to sermons, I have chosen not to. I have been angry. I have been avoiding Christ because I have been angry with Him and have been holding a deeply painful grudge towards Him. But throughout the last few weeks I have felt a tugging. Felt a need to draw back into Him and rest in His presence. So I am starting slow. Today I began reading a devotional. The time reading was short, as I was afraid of the impending nausea, but even after just 20 short minutes digging deeper into who He is I felt a little more refreshed. God began reminding me in that short time what He promised me during my pregnancy with my daughter. That I am walking through this trial for the testimony it holds. I know that Christ has called me to use this trial, use this testimony, to help other women walking through a similar valley. I know that He is going to use my children to expand His kingdom. That they will one day know about how I was so sick with them, how I wanted to terminate them, how I fought for them and they fought for me. How in each and every moment of pain and suffering God was fighting with me and how through it all He continued to form their perfect little bodies and plan and incredible life for them. And I have no doubt that my children will proclaim this testimony ... how they will tell the nations how Satan fought hard to get rid of them, but God's will prevailed and because of that people will turn towards Him in their darkest moments and see that God has a perfect plan. He has promised me these things, so even though I am angry and frustrated I will turn towards Him. I will choose to fight WITH Him, not against Him.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Thank Goodness For A Good Dr!
Yes, as the title implies I recently changed my OB and found a new awesome one! Don't get me wrong, I love my old OB. He helped me get through a horrible pregnancy with my daughter and has always been wonderful. But this pregnancy has been rather different. To start, since I've been through HG before, I know what I want. I know what treatment I need and I'm choosing to be a lot more straight forward and aggressive for what I need to get better. Because I started treatment early and have not been showing normal signs of HG, such as rapid weight loss and daily vomiting, my old OB told me I don't actually have HG this time around and basically refused to help me treat my unrelenting and debilitating nausea. Upon leaving his office frustrated, I began to consider needing to find a new OB. But where to start?! I'd already interviewed 2 other Dr's earlier in my pregnancy and did not feel like either were adequately prepared to deal with my unique situation.
Thankfully my mom and I got in a conversation and she told me that a lady in her bible study had recently suffered an HG pregnancy and LOVED her OB. To top it off, she is the wife of my pediatrician. I had my first appointment with her on Thursday. She spent SO much time with me, listening to all of my concerns and was willing to help me in any way she could. When I told her how I'm not showing ketones, but that I feel dehydrated a lot she immediately got on the phone with my home health company and ordered IV hydration. She also informed me to feel free to go to the hospital as much as needed for fluids. Then when I told her I am still experiencing unrelenting nausea she listened to all of the different medicines I recently heard about and how I was wondering if some of it had to do with acid reflux (something I dealt with in my last pregnancy). She then wrote me a prescription for an delayed release anti-acid to try. She also gave me some chewable pre-natals made for women with severe morning sickness. I've never been able to take a pre-natal before because they are so hard on the stomach, but these ones seem to be working ok and she even told me if they bother me in the least bit to stop taking them. She made me feel so at ease! To top it off she is giving me the option to do another c-section or try for a VBAC. I have not made my decision on which I would like to do, as my other OB told me I needed a c-section!
Anyway, my goodness how much better I've gotten since that visit just a few short days ago. I really believe the anti-acid is helping me immensely. Although I am still nauseated all day, every day, and still throw up every couple of days, the nausea has become much more bearable. In fact I've gained 2 lbs just in the last few days, increased my fluids enough where I don't think I'll need IV hydration for a bit, and today was successfully able to stop taking Unisom during the day. Because of this I was MUCH less tired. Today I was even able to take a short trip to the grocery store and play with my daughter a little, both things I haven't been able to do in over 5 weeks! I am praying SO SO much that this is the start of my recovery. I am aware that I will probably be on some sort of medicine my entire pregnancy, but to be able to function is a HUGE blessing. Hopefully I only continue to get better and stronger and even be able to get off this awful zofran pump (fingers crossed!) This is my prayer and I ask that anyone who reads this unites with me in prayer. I truly believe in the power of building an army of prayer warriors during times such as these, so if you are willing to pray for me please do!!!
For all those mamas out there facing and fighting this HG battle with me, I am praying for you! Please please please reach out and find support. It makes a world of a difference to connect with people who understand your battle and finding a Dr. who is willing to do anything to make you better rather then sit back and watch you suffer. You and your baby are worth it!
Sunday, January 5, 2014
The Realities of Hyperemesis
I have now been in bed or on the couch for 4 weeks and 5 days. Each and every day looks and feels the same. In fact most days I could not tell what what day of the week or month it is. I rely on everyone around me to do everything. My husband not only is the provider, but he takes care of our daughter when he is home, cleans the house, runs all the errands, cooks when he can. When he's at work me and my daughter are at my parent's house. They also take care of my daughter, cook me meals, run errands for me, etc. My family are all saints; they're my heroes. What am I doing when all this is going on? I am on the couch or in bed. I am watching hours of mindless television while also keeping an eye on the clock. I am making sure food goes into my system every 1-2 hours and that my food & drinks are spaced an adequate amount of time apart. I am counting my fluids, checking my ketones, checking my weight, taking medicine, changing my syringes and generally feeling like hell. This goes on until about 6:30 when I climb into bed and fall asleep about an hour later. To some I sound lazy ... to others I sound like I'm enjoying a nice little vacation from the regular housewife chores. But oh my goodness are all those people mistaken.
See, I miss my life. I miss grocery shopping, cleaning, doing laundry. I miss playing with my daughter during the day, taking her to the park and praying with her then tucking her into bed at night. I miss going to church, seeing my friends and having dinner and movie nights at my parents house. I miss all of this, but the reality is until Hyperemesis goes away I won't get to enjoy any of these things. Currently I am a prisoner to this disease. Most of the day I am so nauseated that I can barely stand up. Some nights I am sitting in the bathroom waiting to throw up. The days that start out good almost always end bad. I wake up thinking that I feel better. Yes, the nausea is still there, but it's manageable. So I decide to do something. I go outside while my daughter is playing with my family and I walk around with her for 30 minutes. By the end of that short play time I am so sick I have to spend the rest of the day recovering. My showers must be planned out and I can rarely wash my hair because I know when I do that will be my one big activity for the day.
On top of this miserable feeling I am on a cocktail of medication. Of course I have my handy zofran pump, which drips the anti-vomiting medicine into my system 24 hours a day. In addition to this I also take b6, unisom & promethazine daily. Every single one of these medications (except for the b6) causes extreme sleepiness. In fact, the average person gets knocked out for several hours from taking a single unisom or promethazine ... that is part of their purpose. I on the other hand am so use to the medication and my body is so out of wack that although I am exhausted I can rarely sleep. On top of all this craziness I am constantly on high alert waiting for my body to tell me it's had enough, at which point I go to the ER and get some hydration and IV medication to get my body back in balance, even if it only lasts a day or two. The break is welcomed and beloved.
And I have it easy. I am blessed that we caught this disease quickly this time. The state I am in is considered "controlled" and the Dr. considers me having a "good pregnancy." When it's not controlled Hyperemesis is 1,000 times scarier. When I was pregnant with my daughter I was throwing up every 15 minutes around the clock. I could not eat or drink on my own ... my body literally rejected both concepts. I was literally starving and had I not gotten hospital hydration I would have been severely dehydrated. Thankfully we got my disease under control before it was too late, but many women never get better. Many women live with PICC lines & feeding tubes. Many women can't leave the hospital. Many women's bodies literally start to shut down, their kidneys and other vital organs begin to fail as their bodies give up. Hyperemesis is hell on earth ... we as a group literally face death in the face. I am blessed that I am controlled. I am blessed that I am home and that I have help. I will never take any of that for-granted. But this is my life ... the reality I face. This is why I can't wait for this pregnancy to be over. So I can look my beautiful new baby in the face and know that I fought hard, that I won and that I never have to face this battle again.
See, I miss my life. I miss grocery shopping, cleaning, doing laundry. I miss playing with my daughter during the day, taking her to the park and praying with her then tucking her into bed at night. I miss going to church, seeing my friends and having dinner and movie nights at my parents house. I miss all of this, but the reality is until Hyperemesis goes away I won't get to enjoy any of these things. Currently I am a prisoner to this disease. Most of the day I am so nauseated that I can barely stand up. Some nights I am sitting in the bathroom waiting to throw up. The days that start out good almost always end bad. I wake up thinking that I feel better. Yes, the nausea is still there, but it's manageable. So I decide to do something. I go outside while my daughter is playing with my family and I walk around with her for 30 minutes. By the end of that short play time I am so sick I have to spend the rest of the day recovering. My showers must be planned out and I can rarely wash my hair because I know when I do that will be my one big activity for the day.
On top of this miserable feeling I am on a cocktail of medication. Of course I have my handy zofran pump, which drips the anti-vomiting medicine into my system 24 hours a day. In addition to this I also take b6, unisom & promethazine daily. Every single one of these medications (except for the b6) causes extreme sleepiness. In fact, the average person gets knocked out for several hours from taking a single unisom or promethazine ... that is part of their purpose. I on the other hand am so use to the medication and my body is so out of wack that although I am exhausted I can rarely sleep. On top of all this craziness I am constantly on high alert waiting for my body to tell me it's had enough, at which point I go to the ER and get some hydration and IV medication to get my body back in balance, even if it only lasts a day or two. The break is welcomed and beloved.
And I have it easy. I am blessed that we caught this disease quickly this time. The state I am in is considered "controlled" and the Dr. considers me having a "good pregnancy." When it's not controlled Hyperemesis is 1,000 times scarier. When I was pregnant with my daughter I was throwing up every 15 minutes around the clock. I could not eat or drink on my own ... my body literally rejected both concepts. I was literally starving and had I not gotten hospital hydration I would have been severely dehydrated. Thankfully we got my disease under control before it was too late, but many women never get better. Many women live with PICC lines & feeding tubes. Many women can't leave the hospital. Many women's bodies literally start to shut down, their kidneys and other vital organs begin to fail as their bodies give up. Hyperemesis is hell on earth ... we as a group literally face death in the face. I am blessed that I am controlled. I am blessed that I am home and that I have help. I will never take any of that for-granted. But this is my life ... the reality I face. This is why I can't wait for this pregnancy to be over. So I can look my beautiful new baby in the face and know that I fought hard, that I won and that I never have to face this battle again.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
9 Weeks Today!
Goodness ... so much has happened in the last week or two.
Let's start with a few days before Christmas. That was probably one of my hardest days so far. I had a mental breakdown ... like a serious screaming, in tears, uncontrollable mental breakdown. That day I was so heartbroken, so frustrated, so lost. I was at my parents house in my mom and dad's bed crying on my mom's shoulder and begging her to take me to the abortion clinic. Yes ... it was that bad. It's painful to even write those words because in my everyday life I am very much against abortions. But my gosh when you're in the depths of Hyperemesis the idea dances area in your head like a temptation. It took close to an hour, my mom, grandma and finally cuddling with my daughter to get me out of that moment. That hour was so dark, so depressing, but I know it needed to happen. It needed to remind me how strong I am and give me the will to keep fighting.
Christmas day was ok. Thankfully God gave me the strength to make it through the morning and afternoon sitting on the floor with my daughter sharing in her joy while opening her new toys. But once the presents were over I was pooped and I spent the rest of the day in bed listening to my family celebrate on the other side of the wall. It was about that time I recognized that each day was getting progressively worse and I was getting weaker by the minute. Knowing this feeling well I knew I was starting that downward slope of dehydration. I called my Dr. asking them if they could somehow get me into the hospital for hydration without waiting hours on end in the germ-infested waiting room. My Dr. of course was off, and the nurse refused since I am not showing many ketones in my urine. I was SO irritated by the end of the phone call. Of course I'm not showing ketones! I've done this before, remember?! I know what little amount I need to drink and what foods I can eat to keep my ketones down ... but I still knew I was getting dehydrated. The next day I broke down and asked my mom to take me to the ER. Thankfully a brand new, private hospital opened up not far from us so we went there. There was no wait what-so-ever and the staff was amazing. They confirmed that I wasn't testing ketones, but my blood work showed that I was in fact dehydrated. So they pumped with with 2 bags of fluids and some nausea medicine and sent me on my merry way. Goodness what a difference it makes to have fluids in your system! Although I was still not able to do anything too exciting, I felt good enough that I was able to eat more, drink more and sit in the living room with my family for a few days.
Today I officially hit 9 weeks in my pregnancy! What a milestone every week is! The last few weeks have been quite the journey and I've come to realize that I'm probably going to be a little more sick before I start to get better. Why is that? Well, Hyperemesis causes an elevation of pregnancy hormones, particularly HCG. Those hormones peak between 8-11 weeks and then slowly begin to taper away as your placenta begins to take over. With my last pregnancy I was well enough by around 16-17 weeks to slowly start to live normally again. I'm PRAYING that that is the case with this pregnancy as well, if not sooner! But I've had to come to terms with the fact that that means I will be pretty sick and in bed for probably another month or two. Therefore, every week is cause for a celebration. It's 1 week closer to potential health. One week closer to playing with my little girl.
As for now I'm just trying to stay sane each day. Trying not to allow myself to slump into the darkness of depression. Trying to renew my relationship with God. I've put up such a wall against Him ... been so angry with Him and confused by why He is allowing this to happen again. But I recognize that is not healthy. He has been my foundation for 24 years now ... I can't let this disease cause me to break that relationship no matter how much my emotions want me to.
Well, the gagging is taking over which means it is time for me to go to bed and escape my nausea for a few hours!
Let's start with a few days before Christmas. That was probably one of my hardest days so far. I had a mental breakdown ... like a serious screaming, in tears, uncontrollable mental breakdown. That day I was so heartbroken, so frustrated, so lost. I was at my parents house in my mom and dad's bed crying on my mom's shoulder and begging her to take me to the abortion clinic. Yes ... it was that bad. It's painful to even write those words because in my everyday life I am very much against abortions. But my gosh when you're in the depths of Hyperemesis the idea dances area in your head like a temptation. It took close to an hour, my mom, grandma and finally cuddling with my daughter to get me out of that moment. That hour was so dark, so depressing, but I know it needed to happen. It needed to remind me how strong I am and give me the will to keep fighting.
Christmas day was ok. Thankfully God gave me the strength to make it through the morning and afternoon sitting on the floor with my daughter sharing in her joy while opening her new toys. But once the presents were over I was pooped and I spent the rest of the day in bed listening to my family celebrate on the other side of the wall. It was about that time I recognized that each day was getting progressively worse and I was getting weaker by the minute. Knowing this feeling well I knew I was starting that downward slope of dehydration. I called my Dr. asking them if they could somehow get me into the hospital for hydration without waiting hours on end in the germ-infested waiting room. My Dr. of course was off, and the nurse refused since I am not showing many ketones in my urine. I was SO irritated by the end of the phone call. Of course I'm not showing ketones! I've done this before, remember?! I know what little amount I need to drink and what foods I can eat to keep my ketones down ... but I still knew I was getting dehydrated. The next day I broke down and asked my mom to take me to the ER. Thankfully a brand new, private hospital opened up not far from us so we went there. There was no wait what-so-ever and the staff was amazing. They confirmed that I wasn't testing ketones, but my blood work showed that I was in fact dehydrated. So they pumped with with 2 bags of fluids and some nausea medicine and sent me on my merry way. Goodness what a difference it makes to have fluids in your system! Although I was still not able to do anything too exciting, I felt good enough that I was able to eat more, drink more and sit in the living room with my family for a few days.
Today I officially hit 9 weeks in my pregnancy! What a milestone every week is! The last few weeks have been quite the journey and I've come to realize that I'm probably going to be a little more sick before I start to get better. Why is that? Well, Hyperemesis causes an elevation of pregnancy hormones, particularly HCG. Those hormones peak between 8-11 weeks and then slowly begin to taper away as your placenta begins to take over. With my last pregnancy I was well enough by around 16-17 weeks to slowly start to live normally again. I'm PRAYING that that is the case with this pregnancy as well, if not sooner! But I've had to come to terms with the fact that that means I will be pretty sick and in bed for probably another month or two. Therefore, every week is cause for a celebration. It's 1 week closer to potential health. One week closer to playing with my little girl.
As for now I'm just trying to stay sane each day. Trying not to allow myself to slump into the darkness of depression. Trying to renew my relationship with God. I've put up such a wall against Him ... been so angry with Him and confused by why He is allowing this to happen again. But I recognize that is not healthy. He has been my foundation for 24 years now ... I can't let this disease cause me to break that relationship no matter how much my emotions want me to.
Well, the gagging is taking over which means it is time for me to go to bed and escape my nausea for a few hours!
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Hyperemesis Hospital?
I know this is completely random, but whenever I see commercials for hospitals I get a little envious. During my last pregnancy I LOVED the hospital. It was a refuge for me. A place to relax and be taken care of. A place where I was no longer in pain. IV's pumping me with fluids and nausea medicine became my best friend. I'm telling you ... I fell in love with hospitals.
This pregnancy is slightly different. Because my dr. has been on top of things I have not needed to visit the hospital. Does this mean I'm not nauseated and everyday isn't a struggle? Heck no! The nausea is still persistent ... my vomiting and dehydration is just controlled. I literally dream of the hospital. I dream of being taken care of and having fluids and medication that allow me to eat the disgusting yet delicious hospital food. But what's the cost of having my Hyperemesis controlled this time around? A LOT. Not only am I on a handful of medications that I have to pay for, but the all-powerful zofran pump attached to my stomach is costing our family close to $9,000 out of pocket. And that's WITH amazing insurance! Where is that $9,000+ going to come from? Good question! We're relying that God will provide. But for many families without "good" insurance, or even insurance at all, these medication choices are much more limited.
This got me thinking ... how amazing would it be to have a Hyperemesis hospital (or rehab-type center)? There's research hospitals out there for so many illnesses like cancer, heart problems, etc. So why not Hyperemesis? It would be amazing ... heck, a miracle ... to have a place for women like myself to go when battling through the days, weeks and months with this horrible illness. To have round-the-clock care, snacks and meals prepared and delivered to our room, medication available to control the nausea and vomiting. It wouldn't matter where you were from or what kind of insurance you had, this would be a place of research and a place of refuge! Not only this, but it would be a place for fellowship. I know fellowship sounds like such a strange word to use for women going through the trials of Hyperemesis, but trust me, when you are going through this particular valley you feel especially alone. Hyperemesis isolates you. It's debilitating, painful & emotional. And to top it off, only a small percentage of the women in the world suffer through the months of hell. This makes you feel even more isolated. To be surrounded by women who have the same pain, fear, hopes, as myself would be incredible. To have someone to TALK to who UNDERSTANDS would be incredible. Rather I read 2 & 3 year old forums of faceless women expressing the same emotions I feel daily. I honestly believe a place like this would result in healthier, happier mommies, not only physically, but mentally. I believe it would result in women who are in pain, but not necessarily suffering. I believe it would help empower women to survive the long days, weeks and months rather then giving up and aborting, just to later regret their decision and wish they were stronger. Every Hyperemesis mommy has those thoughts. They haunt you day and night and the temptation is strong. To have a community to take care of you and support you would hopefully ease those thoughts.
Maybe one day this place will exist. Trust me when I say it would be welcomed with open arms. Our little haven. Until then, I will wish and hope and fight another day.
This pregnancy is slightly different. Because my dr. has been on top of things I have not needed to visit the hospital. Does this mean I'm not nauseated and everyday isn't a struggle? Heck no! The nausea is still persistent ... my vomiting and dehydration is just controlled. I literally dream of the hospital. I dream of being taken care of and having fluids and medication that allow me to eat the disgusting yet delicious hospital food. But what's the cost of having my Hyperemesis controlled this time around? A LOT. Not only am I on a handful of medications that I have to pay for, but the all-powerful zofran pump attached to my stomach is costing our family close to $9,000 out of pocket. And that's WITH amazing insurance! Where is that $9,000+ going to come from? Good question! We're relying that God will provide. But for many families without "good" insurance, or even insurance at all, these medication choices are much more limited.
This got me thinking ... how amazing would it be to have a Hyperemesis hospital (or rehab-type center)? There's research hospitals out there for so many illnesses like cancer, heart problems, etc. So why not Hyperemesis? It would be amazing ... heck, a miracle ... to have a place for women like myself to go when battling through the days, weeks and months with this horrible illness. To have round-the-clock care, snacks and meals prepared and delivered to our room, medication available to control the nausea and vomiting. It wouldn't matter where you were from or what kind of insurance you had, this would be a place of research and a place of refuge! Not only this, but it would be a place for fellowship. I know fellowship sounds like such a strange word to use for women going through the trials of Hyperemesis, but trust me, when you are going through this particular valley you feel especially alone. Hyperemesis isolates you. It's debilitating, painful & emotional. And to top it off, only a small percentage of the women in the world suffer through the months of hell. This makes you feel even more isolated. To be surrounded by women who have the same pain, fear, hopes, as myself would be incredible. To have someone to TALK to who UNDERSTANDS would be incredible. Rather I read 2 & 3 year old forums of faceless women expressing the same emotions I feel daily. I honestly believe a place like this would result in healthier, happier mommies, not only physically, but mentally. I believe it would result in women who are in pain, but not necessarily suffering. I believe it would help empower women to survive the long days, weeks and months rather then giving up and aborting, just to later regret their decision and wish they were stronger. Every Hyperemesis mommy has those thoughts. They haunt you day and night and the temptation is strong. To have a community to take care of you and support you would hopefully ease those thoughts.
Maybe one day this place will exist. Trust me when I say it would be welcomed with open arms. Our little haven. Until then, I will wish and hope and fight another day.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Good Days Followed By Depression
I had two really good days. Two days ago I started taking B6 & Unisom ... something that didn't even touch my nausea with my first pregnancy. After a glorious hour and a half nap (which has been rare lately), I woke up feeling decent. The nausea was still there, but it was manageable. My husband asked if I wanted to go to the park with my daughter and himself and I reluctantly agreed. I couldn't do much ... I sat on the bench and watched them slide and run, but at least I got to be there. Then yesterday after a rough morning I had a good night. Again I was able to get out of the house and actually went out to eat with my family ... something unheard of for someone with Hyperemesis! It was so nice to feel somewhat "normal".
Then today happened. The nausea has been constant, even throwing up several times which has been luckily rare this pregnancy. I've also been beyond exhausted. I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open ... but I'm also restless so if I managed to fall asleep it was for no longer then 20 minutes. I also spiked in my depression today. I've been trying so hard to stay positive, to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but some days it's just so hard. Some days I'm just so mad. So mad that I can't run and play, or even hold my baby girl like a normal mommy can. So mad that all I really want to do is sleep. I'd be perfectly content with being put to sleep for a few straight months. So mad that I can't cook, or even eat like a normal person. So mad that I have to watch the clock to make sure 20 minutes passes between eating and drinking. So mad that when I finally can drink it's nothing more then a sip at a time. So mad that God would let me get sick ... that's a tough one. I know God is there. I know He has a plan and that He will be glorified when a beautiful little baby is born through all this. But in these moments I'm just mad. So mad I don't even know how to communicate with Him. Thank goodness others are willing to rally around me and pray on my behalf. To be hope on my behalf.
Anyway ... that's all I can muster for today. As for now the constant exhaustion is taking over and I'm going to enjoy some much needed sleep.
Then today happened. The nausea has been constant, even throwing up several times which has been luckily rare this pregnancy. I've also been beyond exhausted. I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open ... but I'm also restless so if I managed to fall asleep it was for no longer then 20 minutes. I also spiked in my depression today. I've been trying so hard to stay positive, to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but some days it's just so hard. Some days I'm just so mad. So mad that I can't run and play, or even hold my baby girl like a normal mommy can. So mad that all I really want to do is sleep. I'd be perfectly content with being put to sleep for a few straight months. So mad that I can't cook, or even eat like a normal person. So mad that I have to watch the clock to make sure 20 minutes passes between eating and drinking. So mad that when I finally can drink it's nothing more then a sip at a time. So mad that God would let me get sick ... that's a tough one. I know God is there. I know He has a plan and that He will be glorified when a beautiful little baby is born through all this. But in these moments I'm just mad. So mad I don't even know how to communicate with Him. Thank goodness others are willing to rally around me and pray on my behalf. To be hope on my behalf.
Anyway ... that's all I can muster for today. As for now the constant exhaustion is taking over and I'm going to enjoy some much needed sleep.
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