9 Weeks Today!

Goodness ... so much has happened in the last week or two.

Let's start with a few days before Christmas.  That was probably one of my hardest days so far.  I had a mental breakdown ... like a serious screaming, in tears, uncontrollable mental breakdown.  That day I was so heartbroken, so frustrated, so lost.  I was at my parents house in my mom and dad's bed crying on my mom's shoulder and begging her to take me to the abortion clinic.  Yes ... it was that bad.  It's painful to even write those words because in my everyday life I am very much against abortions.  But my gosh when you're in the depths of Hyperemesis the idea dances area in your head like a temptation. It took close to an hour, my mom, grandma and finally cuddling with my daughter to get me out of that moment.  That hour was so dark, so depressing, but I know it needed to happen.  It needed to remind me how strong I am and give me the will to keep fighting.

Christmas day was ok.  Thankfully God gave me the strength to make it through the morning and afternoon sitting on the floor with my daughter sharing in her joy while opening her new toys.  But once the presents were over I was pooped and I spent the rest of the day in bed listening to my family celebrate on the other side of the wall.  It was about that time I recognized that each day was getting progressively worse and I was getting weaker by the minute.  Knowing this feeling well I knew I was starting that downward slope of dehydration.  I called my Dr. asking them if they could somehow get me into the hospital for hydration without waiting hours on end in the germ-infested waiting room.  My Dr. of course was off, and the nurse refused since I am not showing many ketones in my urine.  I was SO irritated by the end of the phone call.  Of course I'm not showing ketones!  I've done this before, remember?!  I know what little amount I need to drink and what foods I can eat to keep my ketones down ... but I still knew I was getting dehydrated.  The next day I broke down and asked my mom to take me to the ER.  Thankfully a brand new, private hospital opened up not far from us so we went there.  There was no wait what-so-ever and the staff was amazing.  They confirmed that I wasn't testing ketones, but my blood work showed that I was in fact dehydrated.  So they pumped with with 2 bags of fluids and some nausea medicine and sent me on my merry way.  Goodness what a difference it makes to have fluids in your system!  Although I was still not able to do anything too exciting, I felt good enough that I was able to eat more, drink more and sit in the living room with my family for a few days.

Today I officially hit 9 weeks in my pregnancy!  What a milestone every week is!  The last few weeks have been quite the journey and I've come to realize that I'm probably going to be a little more sick before I start to get better.  Why is that?  Well, Hyperemesis causes an elevation of pregnancy hormones, particularly HCG.  Those hormones peak between 8-11 weeks and then slowly begin to taper away as your placenta begins to take over.  With my last pregnancy I was well enough by around 16-17 weeks to slowly start to live normally again.  I'm PRAYING that that is the case with this pregnancy as well, if not sooner!  But I've had to come to terms with the fact that that means I will be pretty sick and in bed for probably another month or two.  Therefore, every week is cause for a celebration.  It's 1 week closer to potential health.  One week closer to playing with my little girl.

As for now I'm just trying to stay sane each day.  Trying not to allow myself to slump into the darkness of depression.  Trying to renew my relationship with God.  I've put up such a wall against Him ... been so angry with Him and confused by why He is allowing this to happen again.  But I recognize that is not healthy. He has been my foundation for 24 years now ... I can't let this disease cause me to break that relationship no matter how much my emotions want me to.

Well, the gagging is taking over which means it is time for me to go to bed and escape my nausea for a few hours!